A Practical Guide to Talking to Children About Divorce
Telling your children that you are separating is one of the hardest conversations a parent can have. There is no perfect script, but there are ways to approach it that help children feel safe, loved and reassured about what happens next.
For most parents, the decision to separate or divorce is reached only after a great deal of thought. Yet even when the decision is clear, knowing how to tell the children, and when, can feel overwhelming.
Research consistently shows that it is not separation itself that causes children lasting harm, but ongoing conflict and uncertainty around it. How parents handle the conversation, and the months that follow, has a real influence on how well children adjust.
This guide offers practical suggestions for approaching that conversation, alongside some of the legal context that shapes what comes next.
How to tell your children about divorce: plan it together
Wherever possible, tell the children together. Presenting a united front, even if that is difficult, shows children that both parents are still their parents, and that they will continue to work together on the things that matter.
Before you speak to the children, agree between you:
- What you will say, and what you will not
- When and where the conversation will happen
- How you will answer the questions they are most likely to ask
- What the immediate practical arrangements will be
Choose a time when there is no pressure to rush off, not just before school or bedtime, and a place where the children feel comfortable. Avoid telling them in the middle of an argument or immediately after one.
What to say to children about divorce: keep it simple and honest
Children do not need the full story, and they should never be told details of adult problems or who is to blame. What they do need is honesty, at a level they can understand.
Key messages that help include:
- The decision is final and has been made by the adults
- It is not the children’s fault, and nothing they did or could do would change it
- Both parents love them, and that will not change
- They will still see both parents (where that is the case)
- The practical things like where they will live, where they will go to school, how they will see each parent, will be worked out and explained to them
Younger children need short, concrete explanations. Older children and teenagers may want more detail and are more likely to ask challenging questions. It is fine to say that some things have not been decided yet, as long as you promise to tell them when they are.
How children react to news of a separation
Children respond in different ways. Some cry, some become angry, some go quiet, and some appear unconcerned and ask if they can go back to what they were doing. All of these reactions are normal, and the first conversation is rarely the last.
Let children know they can ask questions at any time, and check in with them regularly over the following weeks. Watch for changes in behaviour, sleep, appetite or schoolwork, and let their school know what is happening so teachers can offer support.
What not to say to children during a divorce
Even well-meaning parents can slip into patterns that make things harder for children. Try to avoid:
- Criticising the other parent in front of the children
- Asking children to carry messages between parents
- Asking children to choose between parents, or to say who they would prefer to live with
- Sharing details of financial or legal disputes
- Making promises about the future that you may not be able to keep
- Relying on the children as a source of emotional support
Being asked, directly or indirectly, to take sides puts them in an impossible position.
Explaining child arrangements and what happens next
Children are reassured by routine and predictability. As soon as you are able, explain the practical arrangements in concrete terms, which days they will be with each parent, where they will sleep, and how holidays and birthdays will work. Holidays are often the hardest part to agree, and our guide to planning school holiday contact without stress sets out a practical way to approach them.
A written parenting plan can help. Cafcass provides a free template that many separating parents use to set out arrangements for living, contact, schooling, health and holidays. Our recent article on sharing responsibilities as co-parents explains what a good plan covers, from school runs to parents’ evenings. Involving older children in age-appropriate discussions about the plan can help them feel heard, while making clear that the final decisions rest with the adults.
Divorce, child arrangements and mediation: the legal context
Since 2022, divorce in England and Wales has been on a “no-fault” basis. Couples no longer need to blame one another to obtain a divorce, which removes one of the biggest sources of conflict at the outset. There is a minimum period of 20 weeks between the start of the application and the conditional order, giving time for arrangements about children and finances to be considered. If you are at the beginning of that process, our step by step guide to how to start the divorce process explains what to expect.
Arrangements for children are not part of the divorce itself. Most parents agree between themselves or with the help of a mediator. Where agreement cannot be reached, the court can make a Child Arrangements Order setting out where a child lives and how they spend time with each parent. The court’s paramount consideration is the child’s welfare.
Before applying to court about children, parents are generally required to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), and a government-funded mediation voucher scheme has been available to help with the cost of mediation where children are involved. Child-inclusive mediation, in which a trained mediator speaks to the children separately and feeds their views back to the parents, is also increasingly used. Our article on mediation or court weighs up the two routes and explains how family mediation works in practice.
Looking after yourself as a separating parent
Supporting children through separation is easier when parents support themselves. Friends, family, your GP, counselling services and organisations such as Relate can all help. Many family law solicitors are members of Resolution, whose code of practice commits them to a constructive, non-confrontational approach that keeps the focus on children.
Speak to our family law solicitors in Eastbourne, Bexhill-on-Sea and Hastings
If you are separating and would like advice on child arrangements, parenting plans, mediation or the divorce process, our family law solicitors can help you understand your options and approach the next steps in a way that protects your children. Our team includes members of Resolution and holds Law Society accreditation in Children Law and Family Mediation, and we offer fixed fees for many types of family law work so you know where you stand from the start. Find out more about how we help with arrangements for children.
To talk things through with one of our family lawyers at our Eastbourne, Bexhill-on-Sea or Hastings offices, call us on 01323 644222, email enquiries@stephenrimmer.com or book a free initial 30-minute consultation.
Disclaimer: The content of this website blog is for general awareness and insight. This is not legal or professional advice and readers should not act upon the information provided, they should seek professional advice based on their own particular circumstances. The law may have changed since this article was published.
FAQs: Talking to Children About Divorce
At what age should children be told about a divorce?
There is no minimum age. Even very young children notice change and benefit from a simple, reassuring explanation. The language and level of detail should be adapted to each child’s age and understanding.
Should we tell the children together?
Where it is safe and practical, yes. Telling children together sends a clear message that both parents remain committed to them. If that is not possible, agree to the key messages in advance so both parents say the same thing.
Do children have a say in where they live?
The court takes account of a child’s wishes and feelings in light of their age and understanding, but children are not asked to choose between their parents. In mediation, a child’s views may be sought through child-inclusive mediation.
Do we have to go to court to sort out arrangements for the children?
No. Most parents agree to arrangements without court involvement, often with the help of mediation or solicitors. Court applications are usually only necessary where agreement cannot be reached.